February 2026
Important disclaimer!
I did not write this to blame an institution, nor to excuse myself. This
is more of a story about shame and about our worth being measured
through productivity.
I think I failed 1 (one) of my classes, and I don’t know what to do, so
I’ll just write you my story. I went to a reexamination for an exam I
had, and knowing I’ll have to compensate for some of my absences (oops!)
I was ready to write that goddamn exam and a complimentary essay.
I was told that, before the examination period started, that I would be
able to compensate, just write an essay and everything would be fine.
How convenient, right?
WRONG!
I went just to the re-examination ( I had bloodwork to do on the first
date, and while the second date for the exam passed I was mourning one
of my darling cats who had disappeared, and dealing with another one
that was sick ((who is now fine, I love that baby so much))) ready to do
what I was told I would have to prepare for the exam, normal right? I
mean, after all, that’s how all my reexaminations worked. Except that’s
not what happened. Sitting down, waiting for the professor, I was down
and ready to finish this so I could move towards all the other stuff I
needed to do.
And that’s when I got hit by a bombshell.
Hi Daniela, you’re actually not going to write that complimentary essay,
that’s only for the examination, you’re actually going to have to write
a pretty much perfect (9 or 10) exam, otherwise, you fail!
What? Are you serious right now?
At first, I genuinely though she was fucking with me. I didn’t prepare
for that! I prepare for all my exams based on what expectations there
are. And I expected to just need a passing grade and to write the god
damn essay.
So here I am, after I freaked the fuck out and I have no idea what I
wrote at the exam (because obviously I couldn’t concentrate at all!) 5
days later with a 4 in my preliminary grades tab of my student website.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t cry, if I didn’t get mad, I feel
cheated and wronged. Even though I am aware I could have prepared
differently, done things in another way, I did not get that 75% and I
didn’t go to the exam, but just to the re-examination, I still feel
wronged. It feels like the earth was pulled from beneath me.
I passed all my other exams; I’m 99% sure of that. So, it feels wrong
having that 4 taunt me, after everything I worked so hard for. I’m in my
final year, and this one thing could delay me an entire year.
So comes fear, the embarrassment, the feeling that I failed myself, my
family, my peers. I don’t know how to confront my family, I don’t know
what to do with my second semester, I’m not sure what to do with my
thesis anymore. How embarrassing, it felt like the whole world, my
careful thought-out plan was ruined by one stupid mistake. I want to
graduate at the same time as my peers and have that stupid robe and
stupid cardboard certificate, I want to finish.
It feels like I must do my entire 3-year university journey, all of it
together, otherwise I fail. I am a failure If I don’t pass. I know it’s
not true, but it’s hard to not feel like that, feel like you failed
everyone and destroyed your entire life from a stupid mistake. The shame
and the sadness I feel from this makes it hard to write, it feels like
I’m wasting time when I should be doing…something.
I’ve spent a long time thinking of what I felt, and what it all means.
Is me failing one course really that shameful? I’m not sure. Is not
fitting into the pre-programmed idea that a strict 3-year program should
be finished by then, otherwise you’re worth nothing?
I think so many of us fall into this very dangerous idea that your
achievements and productivity measure your worth. You can see it
everywhere, from students running after grades, not to learn something
from those courses, but just wanting the highest number possible. You
can see it in so many young people who have fallen victim to “hustle
culture”, people believing that you’re only good if you have 3 jobs and
work 120 hours a week. How much do you work, how much are you being
paid, how many degrees and certificates do you have? What about an
apartment? A car? How many vacations do you take a year?
It feels like our worth is only measured by how much we have, and how
much we can do. Unless you can produce, you’re nothing. Our worth is
being measured by strict standards: productivity, work efficiency and of
course, how much can you spend? Because you want to spend, you want to
spend so much! You want this, and you need this, and that person has
that, why can’t you have it as well? It’s a tiring race that leaves our
body and minds constantly stressed and exhausted.
Also note, this is not a judgment to the many people all over the world
who must work, and grind so much, that fault is systemic, not theirs.
Slowing down and doing some meditation and self-care can be life
changing.
We get so caught up in all these expectations that it’s hard to see
another way in which we can thrive. This exhaustive system that we all
deal with makes it hard to love, and to care, it discourages reflection
and care.
It’s good to remind ourselves that life is not linear, it’s not a line
of code that works perfectly every time. We are humans, and that is so
important. We work differently from one another, we learn in other ways,
we love and we feel, and we care.
These things are “non-productive” in this society, but that does that
actually matter? Our emotional labor, our human and artistic growth,
there are economically invisible yet so crucial to our happiness and our
well-being.
The idea that “all good art come from suffering” is not just incorrect,
but dangerous. Some of the best art, the most meaningful intellectual
developments came from rest, from curiosity and contemplation, not
economic viability.
Our love and our tenderness, these are more human and more important
than anything else, they protect our dignity and its reduction into
productivity metrics.
All of the above does not mean don’t work, don’t put in effort, do
whatever you feel is necessary and is good. It’s just a reminder that
our worth does not come from suffering, from productivity, from our
speed to complete something.
If you can afford to, I’m begging you to take things slower, to enjoy
life. Go out and have a drink with your friends, see that movie you’ve
wanted for so long, tell someone you love them.
It’s hard to slow down and breathe sometimes, but it’s so important.
With love from your friendly depressed and exhausted girl who has also
dealt with so much, I hope you can relax today. I hope you can remember
that you are more than just what you produce or what you have. You are,
as cliché as it might seem, a human with so much love and creativity and
so, so much more to give than just your labor.
To live is not to produce. It’s to love, to care, to cry and laugh and
rest, and sometimes to stumble without losing our dignity or worth.